Life Goes On

Thanks to all you well-wishers who have read this blog over the past 10 months and have commented, encouraging me to get back out there in the blog world or have have suggested alternative ways to share but also feel safe.

It's fascinating to me that people still find and read this blog as it's been so long...but that's a whole other story.

Anyway, I just wanted you all to know that I appreciate your reading and your commenting and that I'm doing fine and have found other outlets to journal and share.

Thanks for your concern...but you don't need to worry.

My life has happily gone on since my last blog post.

Hiatus

It's funny....I am fully aware that having a public blog means that anyone and everyone can read it, should they so choose. However, I think I've liked to pretend and believe that either no one really reads it or else that the things I post on here aren't all that personal.

But, I cannot pretend either of those things anymore. As I start to feel, more and more, the depth of emotions that I've bottled up for so long, I'm no longer able to compartmentalize what I feel from what I'm writing...and, increasingly, I'm feeling very very vulnerable as I write things on this blog.

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I wasn't going to talk about any of the processing I'm doing in relation to my mom and I asked (politely, I hope) that no one bring it up to me and that I'd not be disclosing anything about it here.

But unfortunately, the boundaries that I tried to kindly put up have been obliterated by a few people....so, I'm going to be a little more forceful about it.

Here is the plain truth: I'm not talking about these things with anyone but a very few choice people (if you're not sure if you're one of the few, you're probably not...please don't ask me). There are a myriad of things I am willing to talk about on any given day - however, this one area is completely off limits unless I bring it up.

And, furthermore, I've felt so violated - yes, violated - to the point where I don't want to share anything on this blog at all. So, I'm going on haitus. There'll be nothing posted here for a while...or maybe forever. And, quite frankly, that makes me really sad because I've greatly enjoyed writing and processing here...

Sometimes It Takes Me a While

In a recent post, I spoke of the kindness and graciousness of God in a situation where I didn't expect, need or deserve it. But kindness and graciousness to such an extent that two weeks later, I'm still overwhelmed and touched in the deepest parts of me--for the evidence that once again I've been seen by God.

If I click back to past posts over the past 18 months or so, there are lots of similar posts....those that speak of God's providing above and beyond...of His really knowing my heart and who I am far better than I do and answering those deep heart cries...of giving me things that matter only to me...of putting me in places far better than I could have ever expected...of opening up my heart in ways I'd never even dreamed were possible...of seeing me in my deepest places and accepting me....

But, if you asked me if I'd noticed a theme in my life, I'd have honestly said "no." I hadn't.

Dense, huh? :)

Well, last week, everything finally came into alignment. I finally got it. I realized that all these "random" things that have happened in the last 18 months (including the really, really, really hard and painful stuff), God's been trying to prove how important I am to Him - that He really loves me, knows me, likes me and cares about me.

All these seemingly random occurances aren't just disconnected from anything else but are all contributing to a larger thing. He's been showing me that He knows me better than I know myself. That He cares about the little things that are important and special to only me. That He's aware of the little, tiny prayers or thoughts in my head/heart that never get uttered to another human being. It's completely overwhelming and yet altogether the most glorious thing that's ever happened for me - to really understand and know love, and from the God of the universe no less.

I think that some of the effects of not having a mentally present mother caused me to close off to a point where I didn't know how to receive love, that there was never a place where I could just let my guard down and be needy...and therefore I never knew how to express my wants and desires either. I never thought that they were important or mattered to anyone. But, Jesus just keeps blowing me away with the face that HE cares, loves, knows and responds.

Wow....

On a different note

...I thought you'd all be thrilled to know that I actually installed my garbage disposal perfectly correctly. Earlier tonight, I finally got the guts to plug it in and turn the breaker back on and nothing sparked, blew up or shorted out. Then, I tried to use it and it worked like a charm.

I'm getting closer to my dream of flipping houses! (okay...maybe installing a garbage disposal doesn't quite put me in the ranks of those that can buy a piece of crap house, renovate it completely and make thousands of dollars on it....but, hey...every step counts, doesn't it?) :)

A Gift

Recently, I received a gift that can honestly only be attributed as having come straight from the hands, heart and mind of Jesus.

It was a gift that brought such validation, honor, safety and closure that I'm literally left speechless.

The words that come to mind are "unmerrited favor," or in more common English, "grace." I didn't need that gift. I didn't deserve that gift. I was getting along just fine without that gift. And, yet, somehow in God's infinite kindness, He chose to give me that gift anyway. And, I'm more overwhelmed with His love and kindness for me than I've been in years. This is perhaps the best (read: most meaningful at the deepest level of my heart) gift that I've been given in more years than I can count.

Jesus is a very kind God.

I hope everyone can experience this side of God's character to some level at some point in his/her lives. I pray YOU can....there's absolutely nothing like it.

Pulling Back to Move Ahead

The good in all this though is that I know freedom is coming. I can sense it. I can taste it. I've experienced pieces of it.

I may explain more of that in an upcoming post as well as the details of some of the tangible steps this amazing book has given me.

But, for now...the biggest thing I'm learning is that it's okay to pull back and re-assess the relationships in my life. It's okay to not have to be an open book to everyone....and okay to be closed off to some people. That it's okay to stand up for myself or choose to protect myself by not opening up. But also, that there really are safe people around me too...that there really are people who accept me, love me, nurture me, protect me and pursue me - just for me...not for what I do for them. And, that I can run to them in the moments that things are hard, painful or scary.

So, tangibly, here's the deal - I'm pulling back from most everyone in my life right now. Just as I re-assess some things. Just as I figure out what's safe for me, who's safe for me. There are about five people I'm not pulling back from....but will be from nearly everyone else. And, in this case, it most likely means you, the reader, too....for a while, at least, I'm not going to be putting my heart out on the internet for the entire world to see. It'll probably be pretty surfacey or informational things that appear on this blog for awhile. But, rest assured, this is just pulling back for a while so that I can move ahead more healthfully for the longterm.

You should pray for me. But, (those of you who live near and/or interact with me often) please don't ask me about this stuff or ask me how I'm doing. I really don't want to talk about it with you. No offense...but, it's the truth. So, until I voluntarily share, please don't ask. But, you can pray. Prayer always helps. Thanks!

Me. Currently.

Withdrawal. The natural "seeking" parts in these people don't function. Instead of seeking out others during painful times, they withdraw into themselves, often to the disappointment of those who love them.

CHECK.

Mistrust, hostility and aggression. They distrust others...and fight off anyone who tries to get close.

CHECK.

Overvaluation of relationship. These people search for significant others in adult life to "fill the void" left by a Phantom Mom. They expect a friend or lover to fill all that their mother failed to give them. Unhappy single people who think that getting married will make them happy are often looking for maternal love.

CHECK.

Negative Relationships. These people enter into negative relationships that are the result of an insecure start in life.....When a relationship (or friendship) would end, she would go into such a painful state of loss that she would return to the relationship, no matter how bad it had been. She was so afraid of being alone that she would rather be in a bad relationship than no relationship at all.

CHECK.

Trusting God. Those who did not learn to trust at their mother's knee have difficulty trusting God.

RECENTLY UNCHECKED.

Depression. The person who has no "good mother" inside feels a sense of perpetual loss. This depression comes from deep inside.

CHECK.

Feelings of emptiness. Emptiness is one of the most intolerable emotional states known to humanity. We are unable to stand emptiness for long, however, and usually will try to do something to fill the void felt inside (**in my case, being so busy all the time**).

CHECK.

Thinking problems. The thinking of people without early security rests on the sand - on feelings of being unloved, and feelings of suspicion and lack of trust. These people entertain...mistrustful thoughts, negative thoughts about themselves and others, negative evaluations of their performance, and negativity about the world at large....Insecure people think insecure thoughts.

CHECK.

Hopelessness and meaninglessness.

CHECK.


While I'm not on the extreme edge of any of these things, I can SO RELATE to aspects of all of them. And, I honestly used to just think something was wrong with me....but, I'm starting to grasp and accept that (as The Mom Factor states, which is where all these quotes above are from) these are normal reponses for people who've grown up without a mom.

So, yes....it's freeing to know that. But....wow....out of the nine things I listed above, only one is "unchecked." The other eight are still a very, very real part of who I am...maybe not an every-second-of-everyday part of me...but an often part of me.

This is still so hard. Waves of these various things wash over me at sudden, random times for no apparent reason. Now more often than ever. And, I know that Jesus is working this stuff out in me, that He's healing me and that's why it's all coming up....but wow...it's hard and really scary.

It's hard to understand the cause of these things but not be able to instantaneously change things...but to know that I still have to walk through these issues and this pain...that I still have to actually learn and experience the foundatonal things that I never did twenty-odd years ago like I should have.

That's Right....

I just replaced my garbage disposal.

Nearly all by myself.

And, I'm pretty darn proud, impressed, shocked and thrilled with myself. :)

I'm not so impressed with the six weeks it's taken me to do something about the broken one. Nor the fact that my poor roommate has had to deal with a quickly-clogging sink for that time.

But, I will mention that this time when something went wrong in my house, I actually did ask for help (as opposed to this other time). Was given some great help and some great advice. And was actually going to have a friend come over and install it for me....until he told me that it was easy enough that I could probably do it myself.

I don't know that I'd call it easy. And, I have yet to plug it in (I want to make sure I did the electrical wiring correctly - that's right, I even had to do some electrical wiring, all by myself! Who's a big girl now?! :) ) so maybe it's not really "installed" yet. But, when I turn on the water, it actually (a) drains out of the sink and (b) doesn't leak out of the pipes under the sink.

I'm pretty impressed with myself. I'm becoming a little Miss Susy Fix-It. :)

Off the Hook......sort of....

A few people have asked how my day went on Tuesday. And, the short answer is fabulous.

But, of course, I'll give you the longer version. :)

Basically, I got a pedicure (a girl's got to get ready for sandle weather!) and then got in my car and started driving west. I didn't have a specific destination in mind....I was hoping for mountains, brisk air, sunshine and maybe a coffee shop or bookstore to sit in for a while. I drove around for about three hours, took in the majesty of the Rocky Mountains and sang along to my heart's content to worship tunes on my iPod, until I found myself in a coffee shop near Breckenridge, CO.

And, that's when I was able to finally, truly process and pray through more of the heart of what's been going on with me since mid-February....the "next phase," as I called it back then. (Read here and here for background.) There are tons of details that I won't (a) bore you with or (b) share simply because they're too detailed and too personal. But, I've finally been able to figure out why I'm so independant and afraid to trust people with the intimate places of my heart. It all goes back to my mother - or lack thereof.

Now, I know that every one can find reason to blame one or both parents for every struggle under the sun. And, for a long time, I purposely chose not to acknowledge that as an option in my life simply because I didn't want to be one of those people.

But, as a good friend suggested I read the book The Mom Factor by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, I recently picked it up - albeit a little skeptically but at the same time eagerly, hoping to see if there could be some sort of explanation or relief for these struggles I've been having.

And, wouldn't you know it...everything began to come together as I started reading it. I'll explain more in detail in upcoming post. But, this book has been like a balm for my soul - helping me realize in a profoundly freeing and practical way that my trust issues (among other things) legitimately stem from the emotional and physical absense of my mother. There aren't words to express how freeing it is to realize that I'm not just some freak who's too strong, independant and closed off for my own good....but that these are legitimate responses from someone who's not had a present mother in his/her life. So I feel like I'm off the hook....

...but, only sort of (as the title of this post says)...

The book is so good at not only identifying the legitimate responses someone would have to an absent (or as the book puts it "Phantom") mom but also giving tangible, realistic ways to work through it....being sure to state plainly and often a few key things first:
1. Our relationship with our mother affects our ability to trust and to love and receive love.

2. It is important to know that the reason your mother failed to love you the way you needed to be loved had much more to do with her than it did with you.

3. When it's time to get certain needs met, we can't go back to mom and ask her to remother us. Our growth isn't her job anymore, it's ours.

4. We (must) let her off the hook; she must no longer pay for the lost years, the emotional healing, the money spent healing. We assume responsibility because our attachment issues are our problems now, not mom's.

Hmmm....this is really good stuff....